♥ bro/ken

the ways of life that aren't so easy.
so many times i just get so...
*sigh*
Tonight i walked around my home town. On every corner i saw another memory that would cloud my vision for a moment, taking me away to another place i didn't want to go to start out with.

patience, peace, self-control.

this i pray.

in jerk mode

I find it mind boggling how i can't seem to explain myself. How i'm feeling, what i'm really going through or how to ask for something serious. I just can't do it. Words don't form in my mouth like other's. I sit there and sift the words through so many different strainers to make sure nothing is being said that should be said, that could offend or hurt that person in any way. I often hate this thing. I always saw it as a curse. Someone told me it wasn't... guess it goes both ways if you really take a look at it.
Another thing i can't do is take compliments. Now, don't get me wrong, i'm not the kind of person that gets compliments every five seconds( who does?), but when i do recieve them, i just look at them like their crazy, laugh it off and say thanks while having the question why come out through my tone. This is important to know about me I suppose becasue if I ever gave that sort of response to someone i didn't know... which happens, i'm sure i'd be written off as some kind of jerk.
I'm not a jerk. Not all the time. I do feel as though i'm a huge jerk when someone thinks i'm interested in them though. Or if you just happen to see me in the street and hit on me... yeah, i'll be a jerk. Don't assume i take being hit on a compliment, and don't think i like you if i've already said i don't.... more than twice. Not how the world works. < See... there it goes again; Jerk mode.

So to those who do give compliments. I thank you. I appriciate them, i really do. Just don't know what to do with them when i recieve them. Maybe one day I will.
To my friends who actually take the time to read these. I know you care. I thank you for being a part of my life. It is without you that i would not be who I am. God bless you and the places you'll serve.

imma keep lookin up.

where to begin.
i feel as though i'm only ready to open up when the negitive things are happening in my life. Not that this partiular thing is actually negitive, just not so uplifting. Maybe i'll just completely forget about the not so fun stuff right now.
My friend ash just came down for a week. it was awesome. her and her son both stayed and chilled just the entire time. only worked two days. good stuff. i already miss them. While she was here I got to hang out with a couple people i haven't hung out with in a long time. :) Thanks for that.
Also had a good night with my roommate tonight. I really enjoyed chillin. We watched the stars and talked. Man i love that girl.

satan's the culprit

I have reason to believe I am the most impatient person ever. It's true. I'll confess to the world. My inconsistencies in how i think from day to day lead me down a road of impatience. Sure, it starts out just dandy but all the sudden a week goes by and i'm at my wits end asking God why. Is it really my place to know why in the first place? No. If there is one thing i do know, it's to know that we don't need to know why. Not from God anyway. Even if he told us, we probably wouldn't believe him. Not at all. You think we would have believed him if he said, "okay i'll tell you how i'm going to save the world, i'm going to have a fourteen year old give birth to a son even though she didn't have intercourse, when he's actually going to be my son...". Yeah... right. My point is, it doesn't matter why i'm going through what i'm going through, or how i'm feeling. What's important is to know that if i wake up in the morning and say, "God take away what i'm trying to control by making my own decisions and messin up what you have planned" then guess what, he'll do it. Really. Just don't try and get those problems back. If it takes wakin up every day saying the same thing, then do it. I try to. It's when i don't that I feel myself slip into the realm of impatience again.
Think of it this way: impatience= lack of trust.
Would I dare say I don't trust God enough to wait, and be patient? I do believe that is part of it. But there's more to it than that. Kinda like money... you can't just put it in the offering plate one week... there's always more money that ends up in your pocket... you you give each week. Why? Because you know for a fact that God can do something better with the money he gives you( because he does bless you with a job and money to live, don't think you got that on your own people) than you ever could. It's a fact. Face it.
Harsh?
Welcome to the world where harsh is acceptable... it's called the blog world. Where the world vents.
:)

a whole new world

So a friend of mine has a thing where he writes a lot on the net, just like this one, so friends- i decided i wanted one as well. Actually my roommate has one of these as well, so i guess she was the deciding factor. Thanks for that. ha. Thinking about it now, another friend of mine has one too, it's not xanga.. a different one... i love to read them. All off them. I love knowing what they actually think. You never get the full story in person. It's when that someone sits down, and really writes out the day, their thoughts... why someone did that, or why won't this person just do this... the mind is such a beautiful thing. I often feel as though i'm misunderstood when it comes to my thoughts. I may come off as a blond, or sporadically minded( i do have my moments), but on paper, or on a blog rather, is where i really shine. It's where people really see that i do have some sort of intellect. I'm relieved to know that.
Honestly, i wasn't planning on writing anything profound, not that this is, but i was going to start that tomorrow... isn't it interesting how everything turns out different that we expect, 99.5% of the time? :)